I Still Win

Last Night, 12:08 am.  Phone rings.

Hot Amazonian Brunette Friend:  Girl!  Went on that date and nothing!  I totally thought he'd make a move but I'm sitting here with my dick in my hands.  We had dinner and he paid.  He told me how beautiful I am.  I go back to his place and we are both a kinda drunk and nothing!  He sent me home with a brick of cheese.  I shaved my ass for nothing!

me:  Um, I still win this game of who is more pathetic.  I'm sitting here reading Heidi Montag's mother's blog.

HAB:  Yeah...you win.

me:  And add insult to injury, you got a free brick of cheese.  Fuck you.  I'm going back to reading Heidi Montag's mom's blog.

She Does Live With Me So She Would Know...

From: Skank Roommate
Date: Mon, Oct 25, 2010 at 2:54 PM
Subject: Re: malibu!
To: The Asian Sensation

Your bush probably smells like Chinatown during a heat wave.

You Know You Go To Ad School When...

hipster boy:  have you seen the new gap logo?

hipster girl:  no.  they changed their logo?

hb:  yeah, i like the original better.

hg:  did they change the font?

hb:  yeah, you know how it was a serif font before?  well now, it's helvetica.  OF COURSE!

hg:  of course it is!  i'm so over that type

toto, i've a feeling we're not in kansas anymore.

Free Smells!

Whenever I walk by a Jimmy John's and see the neon "Free Smells" sign, I think about how I want to get that tattooed right on my crotch. 

But then I think about how if I ever wanted to rock the landing strip look, the tat would look real fucked up.  Such a conundrum.

Notes of Someone Crazy or Brilliant?

I was trying to find some notes today to prep for a meeting.  I opened my notebook and found this:

My favorite notes is, "I'm a very visual person- translation: I like porn."  

I know, with notes like this, it's amazing that I'm not the CEO of a company.

The Case is Deep

My father's oncologist is named Case Ketting.   He's a very lovely man.  He is kind, patient and has an excellent bedside manner.  He answers all my questions and always gets back to me in a timely manner...but when I speak to him, the thought in the back of my mind is always, "YOU HAVE THE BEST PORN STAR NAME EVER!"  I mean seriously...CASE KETTING!  This was my gchat:

me:  my dad's oncologist's name is case ketting

great porn star name

 Brent:  deep inside the Case

or Pack the Case Full

 me:  an open or shut case

on someone's case

a case against you

case in point

 Brent:  The Case is Deep

 me:  bingo!

you win

porn title, done.

 

Cancer totally sucks balls but life is funny.

JAM

um...

this morning, i was on the train, hungover and sweating champagne.  i went out to dinner with my coworker andrea and we killed a bottle of champagne and a bottle of chianti and then started our night. 

so i'm standing there and the guy next to me slumps over.  i'm about to shoot him a dirty look because he's in my personal fucking space and then he collapses.  he's on the ground convulsing, eyes are rolling in the back of his head.  i'm totally freaked out and i scoot away from him.  i look around and no one is doing anything so i kneel down next to him and put his head in my lap because the convulsing is making his head slam into the ground.  i am florence fucking nightingale.  and the whole time, i'm thinking, "this asshole better not get spit all over my dress."

so he comes to and tells me that he's diabetic and needs sugar.  i know, i know.  carry a fucking werther's orginal around with you, jackoff.  but this is not the time or place to bitch about it. 

so i'm like, "does anyone have anything with sugar?" 

this guy next to me is like, "i have jam!"  and he hands me a jar of jam.  straight up homemade by grandma in a mason jar.   i pop that bitch open (and it does pop so grandma made it well) and....

well, picture it (sicily, 1934...kidding).

no really, picture it:  i'm in a short blue button up dress cradling a bald dude with a jar of jam opened in my hand with two fingers poised to go in for the kill.  are you hearing me?  i'm about to hand fucking feed a man fig preserves!  suddenly, i don't wanna do this.  it's like every almost one night stand i've ever had- gut feeling just says no.  so i look up at the 18 people staring at me and i scream out, "seriously?  all you people have is JAM?!?!  NO ONE HAS A FUCKING CLIFF BAR?  A STICK OF GUM?  A FUCKING PEPPERMINT FROM NEXT TO THE REGISTER OF THE DINER YOU ATE AT LAST NIGHT?  NOTHING?!?!?!" 

a guy actually laughs and contributes, "or does anyone at least have a utensil?"

finally, a girl hands me a baggie full of strawberries and i feed him three strawberries and then he got off and merchandise mart and someone walked him to his office.

again, JAM?!?!?!  A JAR OF FUCKING JAM?!?!

hey, what's the difference between jam and jelly?

you can't jelly a cock in someone's mouth!