It's No Shrimping But...

The homos don't have it any easier. TGR was browsing a gay online dating site and had a very "sweet" conversation and sent me an email about it:

Here's a recent exchange I just received on a certain boy-meetin' website. Goes to show that you should never be cordial and respond if the first message has something the tiniest bit suspicious in it. Oh brother.

awesomehunk: Hey Scott here blonde blue 190 6ft. You lookincredible! Go to Chicago a lot. Looking for fun guy with a great sense of humor. Up for a whipped cream pie fight?

TGR: Hi Scott. Thanks. ;) Where do you live now? Pie fight? How's your week starting out?

awesomehunk: Hey I go Chicago a lot. Milwaukee here. Good how's your week. Would ya get whipped cream pied for me?

Well, he knew "a lot" was two words which is more than I can say for a lot of assholes I've gone out with. And at least the gays have a 6'0, 190lb dude that is wanting to cream pie them. Straight girls get 5'4 (means they are actually 5'2), 210lb (means they are nearing 250) dudes emailing us. But what we both have in common? The guy calls himself "awesomehunk." What fucking dickbucket calls himself awesomehunk? And even AwesomeHunk would be slightly better. Take the fucking time to capitalize- it shows you take the time to give good head! No? Is this my art history analysis training going overboard?

Then again, maybe it's slightly hypocritical of me since my username is "GoldenPussy." To be fair, it's not like I went overboard and called myself "PlatinumPussy" even though I preferred the alliteration. I'm too humble for platinum so I'm merely golden.

Greeting Cards

A coworker of mine told me that I should make sarcastic greeting cards. I told Matt this and he made these beautiful mock ups with my words.

For those of you who work for raging cuntbags:

And for those of you who got sent a $600 prepaid debit card with his name on it that is actually only usable at Au Bon Pain or have had the misfortune of dating a jackhole who wears Tommy Bahama shirts and has a ridonculously aristocratic name (heart your face, LC!), there is this card:

Would you buy these cards? They are timeless and seasonless. Hmmm, a new business proposal! Maybe I need to copyright this shit!

Beaver

My coworker, Andrea, had an Evite she forwarded to me.  The link opens up in her account because unless you forward it properly via Evite, you log into their personal account which means  you can change their response (never ever ever ever EVER forward an Evite link to Sawyer).  She originally had that she was coming and her comment said something lame like, “I’ll bring cheese and blah blah blah.”  I changed it.  See below:

The best part is that at the party, one of her friends was like, "Oh, I'm so glad you could make it!  Wait, are domestic beavers allowed to be kept as pets in Chicago?"

Hot Pigeon

Scandinavian Homo:  That is one good looking pigeon!
Me:  You know you are really hard up for a pounding when you are checking out pigeons.
SH:  No but seriously, he's very good looking.
Me:  Get a fucking boyfriend.