I've moved

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http://thisshitdoesnthappen.tumblr.com/

The Start of This Blog

I'm back to being unemployed but this time, it's by choice- I'm back in school.  Once upon a time ago, June 26, 2008 to be exact, I had finished my temp job and was gainfully unemployed, drinking like A&E's investor relations depended on my vodka consumption and sitting around in my underwear, job hunting on the internet.  This is an email I sent to my friends one sad afternoon in reply to one of my gays wanting to go to some art event that Amy Sedaris would be hosting.  FYI, I did end up going and yes, I did drink the free alcohol.  

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Subject: Re: Fw: RE: RSVP

From: The Asian Sensation

To: My Gays
Cc:
Date: Thursday, June 26, 2008, 9:29 AM

first of all, my uterus hurts.  no seriously, i can feel it.  i think my whole body is aborting my uterus because it just knows that i should never be a mother because i'm a drunk.  i want to die.  everything hurts.


secondly, i think i'm going to start a blog and all because of the singular event i am going to tell you about.  yesterday, before i began drinking with dr. lopez at 1pm, i decided i should probably shower.  before i could hop in, the doorbell rang so i went downstairs to get it. it was some guy with a canned speech trying to get me to donate to obama.  i told him i was unemployed and didn't have any money but i could donate my time so i signed up to call people...or something like that.  whatever.  he seemed to be a bit flustered at times but i didn't think much of it because hey, some guys really dig greasy hair.   i ran back up the stairs and back to the bathroom to continue my attempt to shower.  i went to take off my pajama pants when i realized I HAD ALREADY TAKEN THEM OFF.   i spoke to a stranger for approximately 7 minutes in my orange underwear with yellow shooting stars going across them. 


you see friends, unemployment has stopped being temporary and has officially become a lifestyle.  i am so used to walking around by myself half naked with E! entertainment television in the background and eating leftovers straight from tupperware containers that i have become a barbarian.  the feeling of being half naked is now so ingrained in me that the wind grazing my half covered ass didn't make me think to look down to check if i was wearing pants. 


no seriously, what do i do when my uterus falls out?  is it like a finger?  do i put it on ice and then take it to the hospital and they can sew it back in me?  and which of you queens is going to marry me stat because my unemployment clearly renders me sans insurance and i think this is going to be expensive.


i cannot drink again tonight.  even if it's free.  when a korean declines free booze, you know it's serious.  

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Incidentally, there are multiple pictures of me doing various strange/exhibitionist/unsexy things in the aforementioned pair of underwear on the interwebs.  See Exhibits A, B and C.  Yes, Exhibit C is a staged picture of James, grabbing my underwear beneath my dress.  

Somebody Said You Got a New Friend...

firstly, read this article.

so the thing is, people scoff at dance music simply by virtue of the fact that it's in that genre but i give everyone a shot.  black men...not my type but i let one bite my neck and dirty talk to me.  i prefer pen to pencil but i tried the new sharpie graphite erasable pen.  i know you are picking up what i'm throwing down.

the song is fan-fucking-tastic because of the ironic juxtaposition of it being a tragic flame song but with an oddly feminist/independent backbone.  this bitch is not sitting at home eating ben and jerry's and watching bridget jones for the 400th time.  and for the same reason that you always blow your nose and then take a gander at your own snot, she just has to see her metaphorical snot.

it's brilliant.

and don't get me started on "be mine."  "i saw you at the station.  you had your arm around what's her name.  she had on that scarf I gave you."

my heart breaks with the very thought of that soft, carefully chosen, masculine yet fashionable navy and cream cashmere scarf (her budget said wool but her heart said cashmere!) thoughtlessly draped over some other swedish bitch's shoulders.

i get robyn.  she gets me.  that is all.


and i would rock the shit out this bee costume.  but you know, make the pants shorter.  duh.

Dear Charlie,

welcome to the world, pumpkin pie!  your neurotic mother and that bald guy that knocked her up have waited a long time for you.  i would like to state here and now that i called it.  at your uncle matt's birthday, your mama drank a virgin minty drink from the bar instead of ordering it from the waiter.  as a woman of the world, you have to read into things.  let nothing slip by your hawk-like senses and you will save yourself money, heart ache and never miss a sample sale.  these are wise words.  let them sink in. 

it's amazing what a little sponge you are.  everything around you has the capacity to be your first.  your first asian (me!), your first curse word (you done already heard the f  bomb many times but when you start to understand stuff, i reckon we'll reel that in a bit), your first christmas, your first fall leaf, your first puppy kiss (your big brother frankie has give you many of those).  The thing about firsts is that they are lasting; they shape you and what a beautiful thing that you are thus far, unshaped.  you have a choice in everything you do and everything that happens so chose to let what life gives you shape you for the better.  you have the potential to be anything and anyone so pick something good.  pick something big and bright.  go for the extremes.  no one in the middle was ever most liked, best dressed or smartest.  wear the longest dress or the shortest one (you can borrow something from me).  Have a pixie cut or a fro!  the only thing good in moderation is food which if you inherited the surrut gene, you shouldn't have any problems.  and on the subject of that, you are beautiful.  now, i'm not the kind of lady to blow smoke up people's bums but you are gorgeous and you'll grow up to be the kind of woman i do not want to stand next to in pictures.  Don't let anyone let you feel differently and don't ever change to feel more beautiful (except hair color, that is acceptable).  No man (or woman!) ever fell in love with a rib bone.  Truth.

I don't know much but i've learned a few things and here are a few bits of advice...skip the belly shirt wearing phase in toward the end of jr. high.  it's tacky and it's been done.  it will also drive baldy insane and he's really quite a nice man so let him be.  when you are going to secretly "borrow" your mother's new dress or vintage one, take the new one.  when you spill over the vintage one, you'll realize just how irreplaceable it is and your mother will flip.  also, your instinct is always right.  always.  no matter what i say, this is a lesson you will teach yourself eventually.  i'm only writing it here because i want to say, "i told you so."  also, it's perfectly satisfactory and okay to say "i told you so" except when your friend is heartbroken because of an asshole bastard you sniffed out a long time ago.  keep that to yourself; the satisfaction isn't worth it.  when you need to dress for a special occasion, seek fashion advice from only your mother and homosexual men.  Straight women will let you leave the house looking atrocious so they can look better.  women are cruel; gays are honest.

my last bit of advice in this letter for you is be kind.  you come from two people who are charming and successful but above all that, they are kind.  you will be beautiful, darling, and you know what women hate?  beautiful women.  but you know what women want to hate but can't hate?  beautiful, kind women.  be a woman that begets envy but is also always rooted for.  beauty fades, money comes and goes with the wind but kindness comes around to those who deserve it so be the sort of person that deserves it.  cattiness is fun and harmless in moderation but always be nice to the band dork who's in love with you and the lovable kid with acne problems because she'll grow up to be uber rich (she'll invest in your company later or at the very least bail you out of jail).   and when you see people being mean to others who don't deserve it, stick up for them because there is only one trait better than kindness which is courage.  charlie alex surrat hernandez, you are and will always be beautiful, kind and courageous and you will always always always be loved.  

all of my love,

xoxo

Fuck You, Snow.

You make me cold as fuck.  You make my fingers hurt even under my leather, cashmere lined gloves.  You cause even the shortest of walks to be an incredibly unpleasant experience.  You disappear and then like the dirty cock tease that you are, you come down again to start the emotional roller coasters all over again.  You put severe limitations on my sense of fashion.  It seems as though you have no saving graces...

But you do make it easy to put out my cigarette.

Roommate Chat

hellafied: Chocolate pudding on top of bananas?  That's brilliant!  Those are my two favorite things!

me:  Girl, there ain't no dick in here.

So True!

Gotta love "Best of Craigslist."  This woman should write a manual...except I have nothing against finger licking.

Observations on sex from a single woman - w4m

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Date: 2009-09-07, 11:22PM EDT

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So, I'm a single, classy, well-educated, professional, in shape, cool woman... I'm dating and on the somewhat rare occasions when I meet somebody cool... someone I connect to and have chemistry with... I have sex. Here are some observations and tips for you guys from a somewhat sexually frustrated woman:

1) Condoms are a must... wear it and shut the fuck up about it. I haven't had sex without one in over 10 years and I deal with it, so can you. Your shit is just not great enough for me to even consider having that kind of trust with you, especially the first few times we hook up. I mean, seriously. Yes I know it feels better and it's hard (no pun intended) for you to cum when you're wearing one. That just means you're not working hard enough for the orgasm... you're lazy. Get in there and work it out, dammit. Others have been successful and so can you. Which leads me to #2...

2) You put a condom on and your shit just goes limp. You have a hot-ass girl wanting your dick inside her... you see her there laying in front of you, looking at you with "that look," and you can't get hard? Again, put some heart into it. You inevitably say, "I hate these things." I don't care. Stop thinking about the fucking condom and make it work. Seriously.

3) You're in the zone, working it out... good shit. But I say, "Hold on, can I get some KY real quick?" Stop getting pissed off and/or offended... You say, "How come you're not wet?" Um, I am, or I was, but after a good amount of time, rubber dries, which contributes to me drying out, and it fucking hurts. I WANT you to keep fucking me... I just want to get some fucking lube. I have your best interests at heart too, believe me. A little bit of lube never hurt anybody.

4) Sometimes I just want the dick... I don't want oral sex. It's not that you're bad or good at it, I'm just not in the mood... I just want your cock. Just an FYI.

5) It takes me a good amount of time to cum... it just does. Believe me... if I want you to stop, you'll know it. If I don't say anything or push you the fuck off me, just keep going. Pay attention to my facial expressions (open mouth, no sound coming out, but it looks like I'm screaming = good)... my feet (when my toes start to curl, keep doing whatever you're doing)... my hands and fingers and grip (if I'm kind of holding your hips at a certain angle... follow my lead).

6) Go ahead... grip me up a little (but, there is a fine line... don't cross it). Grab my hair... grab the back of my head... make me feel hot and wanted... it's fucking hot and I love it. Start gently and see what happens...

7) Reverse cowgirl just doesn't work for everybody. It's not my thing.

8) Tell me how good I feel... sigh... make a little noise. I don't need to hear you roaring like a T.Rex or anything, but don't be mute. It's unnerving.

9) Make me look at you... tell me to open my eyes. But don't stare like you're going to drill holes through my head. I sometimes get lost in my own little pleasure world and forget to look at you and watch what you're doing to me. Remind me.

10) Boobs can be sensitive at different times of the month... just know that and approach accordingly. I'll usually let you know ahead of time if I'm sore. Try to remember.

11) Don't forget about the neck and ears during sex. That's when I'm sometimes the most sensitive and it feels amazing having you that close.

12) Funny noises are going to happen... I might laugh out of minor embarassment and because it's just funny. It's okay, you can laugh too. I'm not laughing at you and I'm sorry if it feels that way.

13) Don't just jam anything into my ass all random-like. That should be self-evident, but apparently it's not. That's just not cool.

14) I don't get the finger-licking thing... especially when you just all up and stick your nasty fingers in my mouth.

15) Having sex when you're high is one of the best things ever. Just had to say that.

16) When you start to put your dick inside me for the first time, take that shit slow. Make me ache for it... put the head in slowly and leave it there for a second. Make me lift my hips up and beg for it. Know that at that point, you are in control and we like it. Or at least I do. I want you to understand how good it feels... relish the moment.

17) Tell me I'm beautiful and that you love my body at least once... This is especially effective when I'm in a weird position where my stomach looks fucking insane from my angle and who knows what it looks like to you. I work out. I'm pretty tight. I can kick some cardio ass. But damn, some positions just make me look crazy.

18) Nothing gets me hotter than getting a massage, lying on my stomach... and then having you lie down on top of me, putting your head into my neck and nuzzling my ear, gently but confidently wedging my legs apart with your knee and pressing your throbbing hard cock against my ass... I'm toast.

19) I think about sex just as much as you do, maybe more. I watch porn. I masturbate. I like to have sex... I'm careful and cautious and I have no problem asking you if you've ever been tested. If you say, "Yeah... a few years ago," I'm going to be disappointed. Don't be offended or pissy that I asked you that. I would expect you to ask me the same thing. If you don't ask me back, I think that's a little odd. On that note, if I ask you to check the condom once or twice during sex, just do it. I'm paranoid, but I'm also 31, never been pregnant, and never had an STD. So...

20) Don't leave a condom for me to find (or my cat... or my mom who volunteered to clean my house while waiting for me to come home from work one day). You're usually in charge of the disposal.

Sigh... that felt good.